S N O W B A L L .

I have made a living off of keeping things from others. When I don't, I feel like I'm sacrificing a huge part of myself.

I am not terribly sad but I'm not uncontrollably happy. I'd like to say that I'm somewhat in between but I'm not too sure where I am.

This is slightly leaning towards the other side of the radar. Kind of optimistic, but not really.

I don't plan to do much of anything anymore. I either end up not following through or I'm simply not included. Can't really say why I should be included but it bothers me most of the time, to tell you the truth, when I'm the only one who isn't.

Anyway, a decision was made on Wednesday and I'm barely getting to it. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be part of an experiment. That's all everything is, anyway -an experiment. It shouldn't be much to worry about though. The only thing that would crush me would be if I'm given a placebo. It'll be a cruel joke to play on me. No kidding. It'd be like that episode of Family Guy, when Stewie is drunk. The only thing is that he isn't actually drunk because he never really drank alcohol but he was convinced he did so he acted like he was.
Anyway, that's the best way I could describe it. If you don't get it, I don't blame you. All I ever really do is ramble about things that don't even relate to one another so it isn't that big of a deal.

I was thinking of starting on Moby Dick. I gotta say, the size of that thing is pretty intimidating. I kinda feel like I need to warm up for it first and then give it a shot. Kinda like reading a decent sized book and gradually working my way up, you know? I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was a Bible at first. Not because of the name, though. Mostly because of how it looks. It has this Bible-esque look and feel to it. Anyway, the thing is massive. You oughta take a loot at it.

Anyone read 'It Happened to Nancy'? Should I bother? Wait, I should clear that up... Is it better than 'Go Ask Alice'? Cause I mean, if it is, I'm giving it a shot.

I'm rambling. Anyway, enjoy your day. I mean it.

The basis of our relationship is an unhealthy one.

Awaken by the shriek of the sun, I rub my eyes and make my way towards the window. It smells like rain but the chances are empty. I ask the sunrise why he's chosen today to be the beginning of another yesterday. He doesn't answer, he just stares me down. Disappointed, I turn my back to him, adding another gap between us.

And when the battle was done I was promised my sun But with a thousand nights gone To any kingdom I run

I tried this new thing the last couple of days. At the time I figured that it would set an alarm to the rest of the world but instead, it reassured me of my deepest fears. I've had a knot in my throat ever since then. Tears are tasteless and my mind is over its capacity with the things I can't bring myself to say out-loud.
I have resorted to destroying a wall in my room. It's no longer white...now it's bleeding with the colors of my abandonment.