I've got too much time in my hands.

I want to write a book. Problem is that I don't know how I would start it or what it would be about. I kinda had an idea that I should just write whatever random thing came up but knowing me, that wont go very well. I don't want it to be too random either, you know?
I wouldn't write it to be a famous author, or to get paid... I just want to have something that'll last longer than I ever will.

I also want to make a film. Hahaha, yeah, I know. But, just like the book idea, I don't really have a direction.

Plus, money is an issue.

What the fuck?!

I've been dreaming up some crazy, weird shit the last two days (I haven't slept since yesterday, fyi).

The first night I dreamt about being in a Christmas cake making competition and I ended up getting lost in my friend's kitchen. Soon after that, I was in some sort of plaza being chased by a man. I hop in a car and start to drive around like a freaking maniac. Superheroes start to chase me in their own separate cars. To clarify, I'm not too sure what superheroes they were but they were dressed the part, so, yeah. I then decide that the only way to get rid off them is to crash into them and so I proceed to do just that.

The second night I dreamt about, well, I'm not going to go into full detail about the first part of my dream cause it really makes me sick but I will say this: it involves incest, child abuse, insults, and me violently beating up my mother. After that ends, I'm in a classroom working on some math problems. The classroom then turns into a battlefield and we're fighting off a monster. From there, I end up crossing the street with a friend from school. We go into a building where I meet up with old friends and continue to fight off monsters. I then end up in a small neighborhood where I see a girl having sex with a guy in their car while her dad is out looking for her. I enter their house and pretend I'm asleep as her dad makes his way into the girl's room screaming at us that we "better be in bed or so help me god." He leaves, I jump the window and I pull out my cigarettes. There's a problem with my ciggs and I get blazing mad. My little brother is there with me and we run back inside.

There's a lot I left out and I know it but I cannot remember what that is.
I should've written about this earlier.

i wanna take a ride on your cancer stick

I had a dream that I found hundreds of cigarette boxes in my house.
This has been going on for days.


Hook me up?

S N O W B A L L .

I have made a living off of keeping things from others. When I don't, I feel like I'm sacrificing a huge part of myself.

I am not terribly sad but I'm not uncontrollably happy. I'd like to say that I'm somewhat in between but I'm not too sure where I am.

This is slightly leaning towards the other side of the radar. Kind of optimistic, but not really.

I don't plan to do much of anything anymore. I either end up not following through or I'm simply not included. Can't really say why I should be included but it bothers me most of the time, to tell you the truth, when I'm the only one who isn't.

Anyway, a decision was made on Wednesday and I'm barely getting to it. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be part of an experiment. That's all everything is, anyway -an experiment. It shouldn't be much to worry about though. The only thing that would crush me would be if I'm given a placebo. It'll be a cruel joke to play on me. No kidding. It'd be like that episode of Family Guy, when Stewie is drunk. The only thing is that he isn't actually drunk because he never really drank alcohol but he was convinced he did so he acted like he was.
Anyway, that's the best way I could describe it. If you don't get it, I don't blame you. All I ever really do is ramble about things that don't even relate to one another so it isn't that big of a deal.

I was thinking of starting on Moby Dick. I gotta say, the size of that thing is pretty intimidating. I kinda feel like I need to warm up for it first and then give it a shot. Kinda like reading a decent sized book and gradually working my way up, you know? I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was a Bible at first. Not because of the name, though. Mostly because of how it looks. It has this Bible-esque look and feel to it. Anyway, the thing is massive. You oughta take a loot at it.

Anyone read 'It Happened to Nancy'? Should I bother? Wait, I should clear that up... Is it better than 'Go Ask Alice'? Cause I mean, if it is, I'm giving it a shot.

I'm rambling. Anyway, enjoy your day. I mean it.

The basis of our relationship is an unhealthy one.

Awaken by the shriek of the sun, I rub my eyes and make my way towards the window. It smells like rain but the chances are empty. I ask the sunrise why he's chosen today to be the beginning of another yesterday. He doesn't answer, he just stares me down. Disappointed, I turn my back to him, adding another gap between us.

And when the battle was done I was promised my sun But with a thousand nights gone To any kingdom I run

I tried this new thing the last couple of days. At the time I figured that it would set an alarm to the rest of the world but instead, it reassured me of my deepest fears. I've had a knot in my throat ever since then. Tears are tasteless and my mind is over its capacity with the things I can't bring myself to say out-loud.
I have resorted to destroying a wall in my room. It's no longer white...now it's bleeding with the colors of my abandonment.