S N O W B A L L .

I have made a living off of keeping things from others. When I don't, I feel like I'm sacrificing a huge part of myself.

I am not terribly sad but I'm not uncontrollably happy. I'd like to say that I'm somewhat in between but I'm not too sure where I am.

This is slightly leaning towards the other side of the radar. Kind of optimistic, but not really.

I don't plan to do much of anything anymore. I either end up not following through or I'm simply not included. Can't really say why I should be included but it bothers me most of the time, to tell you the truth, when I'm the only one who isn't.

Anyway, a decision was made on Wednesday and I'm barely getting to it. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be part of an experiment. That's all everything is, anyway -an experiment. It shouldn't be much to worry about though. The only thing that would crush me would be if I'm given a placebo. It'll be a cruel joke to play on me. No kidding. It'd be like that episode of Family Guy, when Stewie is drunk. The only thing is that he isn't actually drunk because he never really drank alcohol but he was convinced he did so he acted like he was.
Anyway, that's the best way I could describe it. If you don't get it, I don't blame you. All I ever really do is ramble about things that don't even relate to one another so it isn't that big of a deal.

I was thinking of starting on Moby Dick. I gotta say, the size of that thing is pretty intimidating. I kinda feel like I need to warm up for it first and then give it a shot. Kinda like reading a decent sized book and gradually working my way up, you know? I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was a Bible at first. Not because of the name, though. Mostly because of how it looks. It has this Bible-esque look and feel to it. Anyway, the thing is massive. You oughta take a loot at it.

Anyone read 'It Happened to Nancy'? Should I bother? Wait, I should clear that up... Is it better than 'Go Ask Alice'? Cause I mean, if it is, I'm giving it a shot.

I'm rambling. Anyway, enjoy your day. I mean it.

The basis of our relationship is an unhealthy one.

Awaken by the shriek of the sun, I rub my eyes and make my way towards the window. It smells like rain but the chances are empty. I ask the sunrise why he's chosen today to be the beginning of another yesterday. He doesn't answer, he just stares me down. Disappointed, I turn my back to him, adding another gap between us.

And when the battle was done I was promised my sun But with a thousand nights gone To any kingdom I run

I tried this new thing the last couple of days. At the time I figured that it would set an alarm to the rest of the world but instead, it reassured me of my deepest fears. I've had a knot in my throat ever since then. Tears are tasteless and my mind is over its capacity with the things I can't bring myself to say out-loud.
I have resorted to destroying a wall in my room. It's no longer white...now it's bleeding with the colors of my abandonment.

So let go, let go.

Yesterday may have been one of the hardest days of my life;
I had to sit through therapy and listen to my mom's cries about how she feels that she's failed me because I don't smile anymore. As much as would like to say that isn't true, I can't help but to feel like she's one of the reasons why I feel so fucking numb. I've been blaming myself for so long and I'm just so sick of it.
She can't seem to remember that she pushed me under the bus when it came to my other brothers and sisters. "I'm not your mother," "This is all your fault," "I'm going to kill you." All of that was thrown out of the window when she revealed her most inner thoughts. I felt bad for her and I was mad at myself for it.

People make mistakes. That's not a good enough excuse anymore.

It's common for someone who has been abused to abuse someone else. I'd hate to be just like my mom.

Life isn't easy. Lord knows I know that.

Your communication barrier has to be let down. No. I've slaved myself building it up my entire life and there is no way in hell I'm going to stop now.

It's sad that the only thing stopping you from acting on your thoughts is money. It is sad.

We're going to have to do this, for her sake and yours. I'm done.

I revealed that I was sick of it. I have only small amount of hope left because my mom did a good job at degrading it. There was so much more I could've said but I refused to do it. I didn't want to hurt my mom.


Next stop- a meeting with a psychiatrist.

what you see matters to me

i have this thing where i refuse to look at any mirrors during the night but it's slowly crept up on daylight hours...guess i realized that there isn't much to look at.
i hate my hair.
i hate my skin.
i hate my eyebrows.
i hate my teeth.
i hate my lips.
i hate my nose.
i hate that my eyes notice the smallest imperfections.
i hate that my eyes water when i look at my reflection.
i hate that i am not comfortable with what i see.

Honestly, i can't remember the last time i looked at myself in a mirror.

i always look tired.
i always look like me.

What if the banner falls and the presenters are suffocated?

i try to refrain from making too much out of nothing. but i then end up convincing myself that that nothing is actually something becuase if it weren't then i wouldn't make too much of it ...mostly because i strongly believe that i am just not that type of person.
that then leads to an absurd amount of hours in a mind-fuck battle between Gen. WhatIf and Sgt. ThenThatMeans. don't ask me who wins though 'cause i wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer.
admitting that i am a mess would be an understatement. but frankly, i don't know how else to put it. and plus, everyone knows how that feels like so i know i won't stand alone in that.

here is where the silver lining lies;
the wonders of being transported into a universe of impossible possibilities is unleashed and accepted.
the best part about it is that you don't even have to try to make it happen. It's JUST THERE.
it's a miracle, a miracle!